I think about Stephen a lot any time of the month, but jesus, the week leading up to my period, there isn’t an inch of my mind not occupied by quotes, fantasies, or just raw, abstract WANTING. The kind only an infatuated 16 year old girl is capable of. I don’t think I get THAT bitchy, and I rarely crave chocolate, but for that entire week, I am HORNY! There isn’t a moment that goes by that I’m not thinking about how much I need him.
And for those of you about to say how awesome that sounds to just have your PMS symptoms be amplified, 24/7 Smerch obsession, no, wrong, it sucks! When I was in school, I couldn’t concentrate at all, and now that I’m out, I’m free to think about/act on it all I want, but that just means it’s somehow even more intense. And I don’t think I need to explain to the rest of you that with every “I need him” train of thought, there is the inevitable, “I can’t have him” conclusion, especially with a 22 year age difference. Yeah, imagine THAT also 24 hours a day WITH the extra layer of estrogen-fueled bipolar disorder. Still sound fun?
The cycle within the cycle goes like this:
1. He makes me so happy.
2. He’s so cute… and sexy.
3. Watch TallBabyVideos.
4. So horny! I’m so madly attracted to him!
5. Fap fap fap fap “OH GOD STEPHEN(/Wheatley)!”
6. Just like a girl, there’s emotion attached to it. And now I want to cuddle and fantasize about our perfect life together.
7. Actually, what WOULD be our perfect life?
8. Frustration over reality, logistics, ethics, and my own self-esteem. I don’t even know what I want, and even if I did, it can never be real!
9. Depression (Somehow frequently linked to my mixed feelings about Blue Sky)
10. I can’t deal with this emptiness! Wheatley, just hold me! (Hugs pillow)
11. Wheatley: You think too hard, luv. I’m here, okay? I’m here. Just close your eyes. I love you. I’ll always love you. I’m here.
12. Cry into pillow. “I’m so tired, Wheatley”
13. Wheatley: It’s alright. I’m here now; just close your eyes. Everything will be alright.
14. “*Sniff* I love you, Wheatley”
15. I’m consoled and I fall asleep. This crush hurts, but sometimes it feels like it’s the only thing that makes any sense anymore. The only thing that makes me happy. He makes me so happy.
16. Wake up. Repeat until menstruation starts. Then actually DURING? Whoa boy, that’s a whole other story!